Sunday, December 05, 2004

Guess I am all growed up

A few weeks ago I went through a situation where I had about a 1 in 300,000 chance of dying, and a larger, yet still very small chance that my profession and most of my hobbies would become impossible to do. Thank God, nothing bad happened, and life goes on as it did. Even though the chance of anything bad was very small, becuase it was a discrete event, it caused me to think about life and what is important. Nobody(or very few) think about their mortality crossing the street. Probably more think about it on a bumpy airplane ride. But I think it is the less common, more individualized events that make you think more.

Growing up, even until recently, I always assumed I would live forever, or that Mashiach would come before I left the world(I gave up on the idea that I could be mashiach long ago). A few years ago, it occured to me that I probably wasn't going to be around forever and, I am not sure why, but it didn't bother me as much as I thought that it would.

As I sat waiting for the procedure, thinking about possible outcomes, I realized that my main concern was for my kids, and that I was asking Hashem not only to make sure that I was ok, but that if I wasn't, that the kids grow to be happy mentches and mentchettes, learning, contributing to their communities, and I would be ok with whatever else happened. Obviously, I am very much happier to be around and make sure they are ok, and enjoy the results, but I did not fear my own mortality. I guess that is a definition of maturity, not that I ever planned to grow up. By the way, before I get shouted at for not being concerned for MVLW, she certainly was on my mind, but somehow I know that she will be able to make it without me, if neccessary(not that I plan on having to find out. )

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